Troll in the Dungeon: Elizabethtown

I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish, but here's the letter I wrote Elizabethtown College. I may or may not have had no goal in mind while writing. i just wanted to rail them for the movie Elizabethtown.

Trains, Trains, and Train-o-mobiles

I love Trains. I always have. I group up around trains. Was my Father a conductor? No. But we had a healthy supply of Thomas the Tank Engine. You know, that show about the possessed trains. My favorite was Percy.

And I'm pretty sure James was a communist.

I live in New York City now which means I take the Subway a lot, and I really like out. I don't know why everyone complains. Do you miss driving? Driving absolutely sucks, so sit on the subway and shut up. (If you read that last sentence three times fast it sounds like "Shit on the subway and shut up" which I don't recommend actually doing.).

However last week I saw a sign on the subway that said "Be Careful, last year 144 people were hit by subway cars and 55 of them died." Now 1 Billion people ride the subway ever year. So the amount of people getting hit is 0.000000144 %. 

Here's that number as a graph.

The fact that only 55 out of 144 people are dying after being hit by a train is AMAZING. Trains aren't scary anymore. Trains were the bad guys of the late 1800s. When the Lumiere brothers showed their film "The Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat Station" people ran out of the room because they thought the Train was going to kill them. 

I'M COMING FOR YOU!

Trains aren't scary anymore. The last time a train was scary was when you and three of your friends were going to see a dead body in the woods and you're crossing a train bridge when a train comes and the fat kid keeps falling down and he can't run that fast and Wil Wheaton can't push him fast enough and OH GOD THE HUMANITY!

You're Suspect: Ben Affleck as Batman

Ben Affleck was recently announced as being the next Batman in the Man of Steel. This movie will supposedly be a Batman vs. Superman, Dark Knight Returns, type of deal. Withing minutes of the announcement the internet blows up (as it tends to do with things like this) with condescending and negative remarks about Ben Affleck being the next Bruce Wayne. This was most peoples reaction:

Now I am in favor of Ben Affleck as the next Batman and willing to give him a chance. Here's the reasons why.

1. He's Already Played a Superhero:

Yes. Yes, I know a lot of people don't like the Daredevil movie. But if you go back and watch it I promise you that you will appreciate it on a new level. Daredevil was one of the first modern superhero movies to take the "dark/gritty" look. Before it the only other options were Blade or X-Men, and I can barely count X-Men as "dark and gritty".

I can't even count Billy Zane's "The Phantom" and I really really want to.

And Affleck did a phenomenal job as Daredevil. He had the right balance of Matt Murdock/Daredevil (fancy word alert) dichotomy. And that's important.

2. The internet over reacts...a lot.

Internet, you over react. Calm yo shit. Yes Ben Affleck wasn't the first thought in anyone's mind when a new Batman was mentioned.

Don't get me wrong, this would be AWESOME!

But the internet has overreacted wrongly before. Specifically in the Batman franchise. Do you remember Heath Ledgers casting as the Joker for "The Dark Knight"?

I was guilty of it, you were guilty of it. That's okay

As it turns out Heath Ledger was a great Joker, so dare I say, we were wrong. Why don't we wait and see if Affleck is actually a good Batman? Novel idea.

3. He's American.

Not that I'm against other countries (except for Belgium, there's not a Waffle House anywhere in that country) but the American Superheroes are being played more and more by Brits and Aussies.

dammit                                      Dammit                                     DAMMIT!                               GODDAMMIT!

Granted they have been doing a good job. (I say that so Henry Cavill and Chris Hemsworth won't come to my house and beat me with a crow bar).

It will be cool to see an American playing Batman again. And don't worry Britain, if they make a Captain Britain movie, I fully advocate a British actor.

Benedict Cumberbatch?

So give Affleck a chance. He could totally dissapoint us. But he could also bring something new to the character that we haven't seen before - like kicking the snot out of Superman...for America.

Amish the Old Times

First off I apologize for that horrid pun in the title but I had to do it, you know how it is.

Second what has been going on with the Amish lately. They went from people who had the quirk of living without electricity to people who have the quirk of HAVING THEIR OWN MAFIA!?!

In their defense that Machine gun doesn't use electricity. Just science.

My flat brimmed hat is off to Discovery, cause this show scares the bejesus out of me. Apparently Amish are breaking all kind of rules like, I don't know, killing people.

And wearing colors.

However this may or may not be a fictionalization of amish life. Discovery might be trying to open a new market, I don't know. But that doesn't mean that the amish haven't gotten scary in real life. Like recently when an Amish man named Sam Mullet and several followers were accused of a hate crime.

It's funny because he has a Mullet on his chin AND his name is Mullet.

These amish men are accused of holding other amish men down and cutting their beards off. Which I think is the amish version of burning a cross in someones front yard.

Or burning a barn in someones front yard.

Also, to do it, THEY USED BATTERY POWERED CLIPPERS! Now you're just cheating. I mean I don't condone the hate crime but if you're compelled to do it, then do it using scissors. You sir, make me sick.

Mostly because of that beard...and the "I'm dead inside" look you have.

Maybe the Amish are getting back at us for the way we've misrepresented them in culture, news, and Weird Al Yankovic songs. But it's still scary how they fly under the radar with all this. Part of it might be because they don't have radars themselves but that's not my point.

Once day we will need a hero to bridge the gap between the Amish and the non-Amish. That man we'll have to be one part american cowboy, one part amish. But who? No such man exists, not even in Hollywood where EVERYTHING exists. Who would be such a hero?

....Oh.

Second Hand Stories

And sent a picture to some of my friends...

Back when I had a girlfriend, yes I had an actual female be attracted to me. The key word there is "had" because we broke up.

She lit my underwear on fire. I'm not bitter

Anyway, when we were dating she used to say I was emotionally closed off. I know right. Go figure

Anywho. She would ask me to tell her something about myself that I had never told anyone.

I told her the following story:

When I was young we moved around a lot. There was one summer when my mom wanted to go to school and so she dropped me off at my Uncles house to stay for the summer.
I'm not sure how I was related to them but they were two men I called Uncle. I don't think they were gay either, just eccentric.

Just so you kind of understand what was going on. My uncles lived on this farm in the middle of nowhere and they looked like if Michael Caine and Robert Duvall had decided to be recluses. And by recluses I mean no TV, internet, or phone.

Anyway. This was the summer of puberty for me and these two men were not great at dealing with that. They taught me the rules for being a man and how the best way to live your life was as well as fantastical stories from their past.

I remember this one time, my one Uncle got into a fight with four or five hooligans in town and beat them. He took them back to the farm and taught them how to be a man.

Another time they started a garden but accidentally only planted corn. HAHA what old people.

Good times.

However, the greatest moment of that summer came when we got a lion from a travelling salesman that I named Jasmine....

I'm still single by the way....

"Snitch" - A No Hope Review

"Snitch" (2013) is a film starring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. Why we have to refer to him as Dwayne Johnson AND The Rock, I'll never know.

Anyway. This movie is NOT a Harry Potter stand alone film about Quidditch like I thought. 

Though the 'Goblet of Fire' can still suck it.

It's about drugs. Basically the plot is The Rock's son gets a shitload of Ecstasy in the mail and gets charged with possession with intent to distribute. The Rock, being a fantastic dad, helps the DEA catch some drug dealers so that his son can get off the hook. Because that's how our Justice System works.

Now as I mentioned, his son gets caught with A SHIT LOAD OF ECSTASY. The son justify it by saying that they only wanted to try it "once". Cause I ordered a box full of ecstasy just for one pill. That's right, I said ordered...like FedEx-ed

"I know! I'll have the Drugs mailed to me. The DEA will never think to check that!"

The Rock then gets a man who just got out of prison for drug dealing to introduce him to that world so he can be a "snitch." That man was working an honest job, trying to get his life on track, and The Rock is just like "Hey my son who clearly broke the law is in jail and I want to get him out so let me rope you into your old ways." 

What a dick.

Also you know who the people in this move with power are because they all have facial hair/goatees.

Wait? Where's Susan Sarandon???

So in conclusion - not a great movie. The best part about it was my black friend ordered Hot Tea at the concession stand and drank it during the movie. Oh well.

Criminal Masterminding

Growing up, I wanted to be a Criminal Mastermind. Dr. No, Lex Luthor, Xander Drax - All role models.

"And the shows called Everwood? Sure that sounds like a GREAT idea..."

Suck it Treat Williams.

Anyway, growing up they, and by that I mean everyone, tells you that you can be whatever you want. Which is kinda a lie right? I'll answer for you - "Right!"

Some Universities have a create your own major type thing. Some call it integrative arts. But I invented my own college major for criminal masterminding anyway.

 This is not to be confused with the University of Phoenix Online Associates degree in being a bad Henchman. I mean really, you got an associates degree but couldn't recognize that your Guard Partner was taken and decided to NOT sound the alarm.

I'm not bitter.

Anyway. The Criminal Masterminding Major has your basic Engineering, Chemistry, and Biology classes as well as extensive classes in Economics, Business, and International Politics.

You also have to take some public speaking courses for when you're showing Mr. Bond around your secret facility.

"Notice the exhaust port two meters wide just small enough for a proton torpedo. Design flaw you say, you know nothing about exhaust."

Finally theater classes.  A Criminal Mastermind needs to have theatrics around him to shock and awe. These all have to be taught by Alan Rickman.

Alan Rickman has played so many bad guys and yet his scariest is still a fish named Joe.

Kneel before Alan Rickman!

And that's what you need. Good luck kids!