Amish the Old Times

First off I apologize for that horrid pun in the title but I had to do it, you know how it is.

Second what has been going on with the Amish lately. They went from people who had the quirk of living without electricity to people who have the quirk of HAVING THEIR OWN MAFIA!?!

In their defense that Machine gun doesn't use electricity. Just science.

My flat brimmed hat is off to Discovery, cause this show scares the bejesus out of me. Apparently Amish are breaking all kind of rules like, I don't know, killing people.

And wearing colors.

However this may or may not be a fictionalization of amish life. Discovery might be trying to open a new market, I don't know. But that doesn't mean that the amish haven't gotten scary in real life. Like recently when an Amish man named Sam Mullet and several followers were accused of a hate crime.

It's funny because he has a Mullet on his chin AND his name is Mullet.

These amish men are accused of holding other amish men down and cutting their beards off. Which I think is the amish version of burning a cross in someones front yard.

Or burning a barn in someones front yard.

Also, to do it, THEY USED BATTERY POWERED CLIPPERS! Now you're just cheating. I mean I don't condone the hate crime but if you're compelled to do it, then do it using scissors. You sir, make me sick.

Mostly because of that beard...and the "I'm dead inside" look you have.

Maybe the Amish are getting back at us for the way we've misrepresented them in culture, news, and Weird Al Yankovic songs. But it's still scary how they fly under the radar with all this. Part of it might be because they don't have radars themselves but that's not my point.

Once day we will need a hero to bridge the gap between the Amish and the non-Amish. That man we'll have to be one part american cowboy, one part amish. But who? No such man exists, not even in Hollywood where EVERYTHING exists. Who would be such a hero?

....Oh.

Second Hand Stories

And sent a picture to some of my friends...

Back when I had a girlfriend, yes I had an actual female be attracted to me. The key word there is "had" because we broke up.

She lit my underwear on fire. I'm not bitter

Anyway, when we were dating she used to say I was emotionally closed off. I know right. Go figure

Anywho. She would ask me to tell her something about myself that I had never told anyone.

I told her the following story:

When I was young we moved around a lot. There was one summer when my mom wanted to go to school and so she dropped me off at my Uncles house to stay for the summer.
I'm not sure how I was related to them but they were two men I called Uncle. I don't think they were gay either, just eccentric.

Just so you kind of understand what was going on. My uncles lived on this farm in the middle of nowhere and they looked like if Michael Caine and Robert Duvall had decided to be recluses. And by recluses I mean no TV, internet, or phone.

Anyway. This was the summer of puberty for me and these two men were not great at dealing with that. They taught me the rules for being a man and how the best way to live your life was as well as fantastical stories from their past.

I remember this one time, my one Uncle got into a fight with four or five hooligans in town and beat them. He took them back to the farm and taught them how to be a man.

Another time they started a garden but accidentally only planted corn. HAHA what old people.

Good times.

However, the greatest moment of that summer came when we got a lion from a travelling salesman that I named Jasmine....

I'm still single by the way....

"Snitch" - A No Hope Review

"Snitch" (2013) is a film starring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. Why we have to refer to him as Dwayne Johnson AND The Rock, I'll never know.

Anyway. This movie is NOT a Harry Potter stand alone film about Quidditch like I thought. 

Though the 'Goblet of Fire' can still suck it.

It's about drugs. Basically the plot is The Rock's son gets a shitload of Ecstasy in the mail and gets charged with possession with intent to distribute. The Rock, being a fantastic dad, helps the DEA catch some drug dealers so that his son can get off the hook. Because that's how our Justice System works.

Now as I mentioned, his son gets caught with A SHIT LOAD OF ECSTASY. The son justify it by saying that they only wanted to try it "once". Cause I ordered a box full of ecstasy just for one pill. That's right, I said ordered...like FedEx-ed

"I know! I'll have the Drugs mailed to me. The DEA will never think to check that!"

The Rock then gets a man who just got out of prison for drug dealing to introduce him to that world so he can be a "snitch." That man was working an honest job, trying to get his life on track, and The Rock is just like "Hey my son who clearly broke the law is in jail and I want to get him out so let me rope you into your old ways." 

What a dick.

Also you know who the people in this move with power are because they all have facial hair/goatees.

Wait? Where's Susan Sarandon???

So in conclusion - not a great movie. The best part about it was my black friend ordered Hot Tea at the concession stand and drank it during the movie. Oh well.